The Slime Eel meets The Hagfish

Commissar Alan Johnson was inspecting one of the NHS's more important hospitals. Some people said they did not like the way that NHS hospitals smelt, but he like the smell of hospitals. They always smelt of fresh paint. This one was particually important, and he visited regularly, since it was a homepathic centre that offered holistic treatment to remove some the the worries and stresses that could be so troublesome to important people such as himself. He slipped into the floatation tank and tried to relax. It was good the way that the NHS was thime to offer these vital services to the important people free at the point of use.

From just outside the tank the Commissar could hear a voice. This annoyed him as he had specifically instructed that all of the ordinary patients be removed. That was one of the problems with the NHS, he thought, the system would work much better where the patients removed. It was something that he had been working to achieve for some time.

"Excuse me, Commissar. I think we need to talk." said the voice.

He wanted to tell the voice to go away but for some reason he could not seem to make his mouth move.

"I took the liberty of adding an actual chemical to that homeopathic remedy you just took, so as not to let anything interrupt our little chat. It has no anasthetic properties, so you will be fully awake and aware, but it will stop any voluntary muscle movement."

It was true. He was completely unable to move, trapped in the darkness with this stranger waiting outside. The complete black of the floatation tank no longer seemed quite so comforting. Denied any other stimulation his adrenaline sharpened senses consentrated entirely on the feeling of the water lapping gently against his naked body.

"What I would like to talk about is why the NHS is willing to pay for homepathic remedies and holistic centres like this one, but will deny treatment that actually works to people that need it."

He could feel the waters of him floatation tank swirling around him, almost as if there was something else in there with him.

"Personally I am all in favour of natural remedies for my problems."

A cold shiver went down him spine as something cold and slimy brushed against him leg, feeling perhaps like it had just stroked by the tail of some strange sea creature.

"I would like to introduce you to another of the wonders of nature, the Hagfish[1]. This remarkable creature has no backbone and is capable of producing vast quantities of slime at will. Much like a politician."

There it was again. This strange primitive fish was making its way up his inner thighs. He wanted to kick and scream, to call for security and get this strange man, and his equally strange pet, thrown out of him hospital and locked away. The anti-terrorism legislation would be able to keep him in jail for a month. Enough time for his own guards, and their rubber hose, to have a nice long chat.

"The hagfish's method of feeding is also rather interesting. It is not strong enough to rip a hole in the flesh for itself, so it enters through a natural opening, the anus for example, and then proceeds to slowly consume its prey from the inside out. It tears off the meat of whatever it is eating with a set of rasping tooth like structures made of keratin. It does not matter to the hagfish if its prey is alive or dead when this process begins, simply that it has a way of getting in."

A way in that the fish had just found. Panic clawed its way deep into his soul as he felt the Hagfish nuzzling its way between his buttocks, cold and slimy. He could feel its strong tail trashing against him as it forced its way past his defenseless arsehole. Had he been able to speak the entire hospital would have heard him scream.